Not a Mother... and Mother's Day

I've been pretty absent from the blogosphere this week. The last couple of weeks have been pretty weird in my life. I had a bit of a health scare, which I was trying to remain calm about but was actually pretty freaked out. The anticlimactic conclusion was that they don't know what's wrong with me, but it's (most likely) nothing serious. In the meantime I got some bloodwork done (which is my least favorite thing on the planet.) And an ultrasound. Yeah, the kind where they put the gel on your belly and look at your insides. Only instead of my uterus, it was my gall bladder. And instead of a baby, there was just some bile. (Sorry to be gross.) I had no idea the affect this process would have on me, but it made me really sad. No baby. No husband. No boyfriend to hold my hand. Thanks for the painful reminder, universe.

So, I'm doing ok now. I'm happy that I'm not dying or anything, which my wild imagination was concerned about. I still have my amazing family and my amazing Jesus. Last week I went to see my friends in SLO and it was an extremely relaxing mini-vacation. And wow, do those girls make me laugh. I'm back to reality now. I'm still thinking about being a foster mama sometime soon, because my life needs to go somewhere. However, it's not likely that I can afford to do that... So if you wanted to pray for me, that would be oh so appreciated. For direction, and guidance, and answers. Thank you friends.

Also, Happy Mother's Day to my sweet Mom who came to my anti-climactic doctor's appointment, "Not because I think there's anything really wrong with you... Just, you know, for support." I didn't really believe her, but it turns out there's nothing really wrong anyway. :) Thanks for the support Mom. I love you.



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Relevant 2010

This October, I will be attending the Relevant conference. This is crazy for a number of reasons:

1) I've never been to a blogging conference in my life, or even thought about going to one.
2) Um, it's in Pennsylvania. I live in California.
3) Large groups of people I don't know make me highly anxious.
4) I will not have met (in person) any of the 200 women there. (Remember #3?)
5) At this point, I'll be flying out there alone, getting to the hotel alone, sleeping alone, and leaving alone.

BUT

I'm soo excited!! I've been blogging for less than two years now, and only recently have I discovered that God wants to use my little ole' blog for His purposes. Since then, everywhere I turn, I see/hear something about the Relevant Conference. I am confident that He is going to bless this conference and use it to grow and teach me, and all the other women there. And through their blogs, I'm starting to get to know some of the amazing women attending, and can't wait to meet them in person!

So, to the ladies who are atteding: If you or someone that you know who is going needs a roommate and/or travel buddy, let me know! I also have a Relevant page on my blog for this purpose, and in the hopes of getting to know some of you, so check it out.

Today I'm featured on Gather Inspirit, so thanks to Chele and the other lovely ladies over there for putting that together so we can get to know each other.

I can't wait for the conference!!




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Beauty

Beauty.

How do you feel when you think of that word? Enthralled? Excited? Proud? Insecure? Disappointed? Restentful?

My guess is most women land in the category of the last few adjectives. I know I often do. But guess what? I am beautiful. And so are you.

In a previous post, I quoted John and Stasi Eldrige from their book Captivating: "Many of us have hardened our hearts to this desire, the desire to be the Beauty. We have been hurt so deeply in this area that we no longer identify with, perhaps even resent, the longing. But it's there. We desire to possess a beauty that is worth pursuing, worth fighting for, a beauty that is core to who we truly are. We want beauty that can be seen; beauty that can be felt; beauty that affects others; a beauty all our own to unveil." This quote, along with the majority of the book, spoke to my utterly feminine and romantic heart.

In a recent conversation with a male friend, he wondered aloud (out of curiosity, not meanness) at the insecurity that many women possess. He compared the compliments that he gives women as very carefully wrapped gifts, that women just throw in the proverbial garbage can by saying "oh no, that's not true."

This friend of mine is not the only one who feels hurt by a woman's lack of self-worth. Our creator, our king, is enthralled by our beauty. (Psalm 45:11) He gave it to us, in place of ashes. He wants us to own it, to rejoice in it, and in Him. You are a daughter of a King, which makes you a princess. And He thinks YOU are beautiful. His opinion is the only one that matters, in the end. Remind yourself of that when you need a little self-confindence boost. I do.

Read other women's thoughts on beauty on Sarah Markley's blog this week.

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A Precious Love

I have been neglecting my blog a bit lately. Life is a little overwhelming. I will write more soon about the transition to and from Portland, because there is a lot on my heart about it, but for now suffice it to say that the upcoming move is a bittersweet and challenging transition. (Also, I will write more about my Social & Cultural class, and the question I posed a few entries ago. Sorry to leave you hanging for now.)

Since it's Sunday, and I was too lazy to go to church, I thought I'd write a little devotional blog. As you know from a previous entry, I have been reading Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldredge. The two authors often include anecdotes about their lives which relate to the topic they are discussing. A couple weeks ago I was reading the chapter about being romanced by God. (A fascinating concept for my helplessly romantic heart.) Stasi was sharing a story about her husband John. When he was spending quiet, prayerful time alone with God on a beach in Oregon, a humpback whale spontaneously shot out of the water, very close to shore. The time of humpback whales' migration in Oregon had long passed. John knew this was just for him, a kind of love letter from God. Stasi was happy for her husband, but wanted such an experience for herself. A few weeks later, on a beach in Northern California, Stasi asked God if He loved her enough to send her a whale. This was her experience: "I rounded a corner and came upon a starfish, a beautiful orange starfish. And I knew at once that it was God's gift for me, His kiss. For me, unique to me, He gave me a stunning starfish. He answered my question. Yes. He loved me. I thanked Him for it then rounded the bend and came upon a sight I will never forget. There before me, behind me, surrounding me, were hundreds of starfish. Zillions of them. There were purple ones and orange ones and blue ones, all sizes. I burst into joyful laughter, my heart bursting inside me. God didn't just love me, He LOOOOVED me! Intimately, personally, completely." Sweet, isn't it?

So after reading this, I naturally asked God if He loved me that way too. Nothing happened. Almost a week passed, and I had completely forgotten about the story and my prayer. I went to school last Monday, and on my way into class, I saw a golden retriever puppy, just a few weeks old. I thought to myself that the greatest sign to me of God's soft and precious heart is His creation of puppies. But not just any puppy. (Keep in mind that I love my own dogs beyond measure, so don't tell them I said this.) Golden Retrievers. Their chubby, clumsy little bodies. Their sweet faces and big brown eyes. Their thick, soft, plentiful coats of fur. Their endless capacity to love any and all human beings that they encounter. A God who created these little creatures is a good God indeed. So, with all that in mind, I went into class, marveling at God's sweetness. When I came out of class that night, darkness had fallen, so I almost didn't see it. I did a double take as I looked at a patch of grass underneath a bush with beautiful pink flowers. There were petals spelling out "I [heart] U." I laughed out loud. I know what you cynics are thinking, but I don't care how it got there. I just know it was there, in plain sight, in my path, as I left class, answering my question. He loves me. Intimately, personally, completely.

Captivating

I am reading the most amazing book and I had to write about it. I have a feeling that I may write about it more as I continue to read it. This is going to get mushy, so if that freaks you out stop reading now. The book is Captivating, by John & Stasi Aldredge. I am reading it for my small group, and I was not that excited about the extra reading because I do so much of it for school, but this book is like a tall glass of water for my thirsty, thirsty soul. :) I have to force myself to limit my reading, because we only do a chapter a week, and I don't want to get ahead. Plus if I just read a page or two a day, I can more easily digest what I'm reading, because the concepts blow my mind. So basically, the book is written for Christian women, but really any woman who wants to know herself better, or man who wants to understand women better, should read it. The front of the book says "Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul" and that is exactly what it does. So, since blogging helps me digest things, here's a bit of what I've gotten out of it so far: (Disclaimer: A lot of this is coming straight from the book, and I may or may not use quotations, so don't accuse me of plagiary.)

Women primarily want three things out of life: to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil beauty.

Ok, some of you ladies may already be gagging, because the world has taught you that these things are weak and silly, and that being intelligent and successful are the keys to life, but let me just say: stop kidding yourself. Maybe I'm biased, because my childhood hero was Cinderella, and my current favorite show is "Say Yes to the Dress" on TLC (entirely based on the purchasing of wedding dresses at Kleinfeld bridal salon in New York City.) I am as girly as they come. I am a dreamer, a hopeless romantic, and I am not ashamed to admit it. However, these concepts are not just for girls and women like me. Even if you were a tomboy as a child, and your favorite movie is Pulp Fiction, I believe these desires are still at the bottom of your heart.

To be romanced - can you deny that you long to be desired, to be seen, wanted, pursued, and to be someone's priority?

To play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure - To quote the book: "There is something fierce in the heart of a woman. Simply insult her children, her man, or her best friend and you'll get a taste of it. A woman is a warrior too. But she is a warrior in a uniquely feminine way. Before doubt and accusation take hold, most little girls sense that they have a vital role to play; they want to believe there is something in them that is needed and needed desperately. Women do not want the adventure merely for adventure's sake, but for what it requires of them for others." Does this not ring true for you?

To unveil beauty - To quote again: "Many of us have hardened our hearts to this desire, the desire to be the Beauty. We have been hurt so deeply in this area that we no longer identify with, perhaps even resent, the longing. But it's there. We desire to possess a beauty that is worth pursuing, worth fighting for, a beauty that is core to who we truly are. We want beauty that can be seen; beauty that can be felt; beauty that affects others; a beauty all our own to unveil." Are you not thinking right now how true this is of every woman?

As I've said, I will likely share more about this book later. What I love about it is that is not telling me who I should be or how I should change, it's telling me that the deepest desires of my heart are not only ok, they were intentionally placed there by God. Sigh. It makes me feel excited for what God has in store for me, instead of completely irritable at the fact that I'm still single. It's ok, my prince is out there. And in the meantime, I will be learning more about me, more about God, and more about the adventure that is my life.

And am only on chapter two. :)

"It's about discovering who you already are, as a woman. The woman God had in mind when He made Eve, and when He made you. Glorious, powerful, and captivating."