Story Of My Life: Freedom

Previous installments in the Story of My Life series: Roots, Salvation, Answered Prayer, and Bumps in The Road

I left off the story in Portland, where my walk with God was vastly improving, but something was still missing. After a year in Portland, I decided to move back home. I planned to find a job and live in the Bay area, but God had other plans. I found a job here, which I couldn't pass on after 3 months of unemployment. Which I'm so glad about, because God had great plans for me.

I discovered that blogging might not just be a hobby, but something God wanted for me. From me. As a result, I signed up for the Relevant Conference in faith, not knowing how God wouldmeet me there. At the conference, He showed me that I needed to return to my first love, and put Him first in my life, in a way that I hadn't in a long long time. I didn't know how, but I knew He would show me. And He did. There was a book there at the conference called Praying God's Word, by Beth Moore. It was not available for purchase, but I couldn't wait to get home and buy it, because I knew I had to read it. I didn't know how or why, but I knew it was important.

When I got home I practically drove from the airport to the bible book store to get the book. Basically, the book is a guide for how to turn scriptures into prayers, in order to overcome sin and be transformed by God's Word. As I read it, I could literally feel the transformation in my soul. It was like chains were falling off, and my heart was finally free.

The thing that people don’t like to talk about much in church is that just as real as our God is, who loves us and is always on our side, we also have a very real enemy who wants to do anything he can to destroy us. When we come to Christ, we are set free. We are no longer slaves to sin. And there is nothing the enemy can do about that freedom, he has no power over our God. So what he does instead is exactly what he is best at doing – he lies to us. As Beth Moore describes it, we are standing in our jail cells, and the doors have been flung wide open by Jesus, but our enemy is like the jailer who stands there whispering all the reasons we still belong in the cell. And too often, we listen to him. I did, for too long. But nothing can quiet the enemy like the Word of God.

The book is separated into areas that the enemy keeps us captive, or "strongholds." Idolatry, unbelief, pride, addiction, guilt, unforgiveness, depression, etc. There is an intro into each section, and then a list of scriptures which have been turned into prayers. You can pray through one section, or all of them, as needed.

What I discovered, as I prayed through the sections on idolatry an unbelief, was that I had always believed in God, but I didn't always believe God. Who He says He is, who He says I am, the things that He promises in His Word. And as I prayed through those things, and claimed them as truth, I was set free. Free to love Him fully, with abandon. Free to be loved by Him, and trust that I am safe in His hands. Free to live the life that I always wanted.

I'm sure at this point some of you are thinking that I'm strange. That's ok. (I am, actually, but that's beside the point.) I know what separation from God feels like, and I know what intimacy with Him feels like. And I know which one I choose. So it doesn't really matter to me what other people think. It matters to me that I share my story, so that if anyone is struggling with similar things, they can be encouraged that freedom is just a prayer away.

There is one more exciting piece of this story, which I will share in the next post. I just like to leave you guys hanging. :) Thanks for being with me on this crazy journey.

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Story of My Life: Bumps in the Road

Ok, here goes nothing. Remember the story of my life that I was telling you? (If not, feel free to catch up. I shared about my roots, my salvation, and an answered prayer.) I stopped telling the story in exactly the same place that I always stop telling it. Because I already shared the pretty parts. The parts that make me look good, that make faith look good. Faith is good. But it's not easy. There are messy parts, for those of us who are human. For some reason (ahem, pride) we like to paint a pretty picture of faith, and we excuse this by saying to ourselves that if we share the ugly parts, that people might be less attracted to Jesus. That is a ridiculous excuse, because A) Jesus is perfect, and B) people love stories that make them feel less alone in their own messes! We just don't like to tell them. Because of pride.

So, after that long winded intro, here comes the rest of the story. For a few years after I began my walk with Christ, things went smoothly. Storms and trials came and went, but I clung to Jesus during those times and my faith grew stronger. I went to college, and joined Campus Crusade, was always in at least two bible studies, and was pretty much doing everything a good Christian should.

I'm not sure when things started to fall apart. I had a few negative experiences with some people in my life who happened to be Christians. I won't share the details, for the sake of the people involved. Looking back, they were just some bad choices made by some flawed human beings. But somehow I allowed that to draw me away from my faith. I decided that all Christians were closed-minded and judgmental, and that I didn't want to be associated with them. I decided to try faith on my own. What a tragic decision.

I continued to go to church on Sundays, and I'm sure a lot of people didn't even notice anything had changed. Some people in my life may even be reading this right now, wondering what in the world I'm talking about. Most of the change just happened in my heart. I stopped going to bible study, or trying to have fellowship with other believers in any way. I spent the majority of my time with nonbelievers (most of whom I'm still friends with, so if you're reading this, I love you and you are still important in my life.) The problem with that is that no one was encouraging me in my faith journey, no one was keeping me accountable to my walk with God. My sister, who might have been that person, happened to get married around that time, and then moved to New York. I love and cherish my non-Christian friends, many of them have been in my life since childhood. However, it is essential for me (and every Christian, I believe) to walk through life with other believers who help them through the difficult journey of faith.

It didn't take long before my life reflected my change of heart. I became the typical college student, studying and working during the week, and partying on weekends. I made excuses about this behavior to myself. I put on my church persona, with certain people and in certain circumstances, as easily as some put on their church clothes. I was deceitful. I've always been the "good girl," even when I wasn't. In my family, among my friends, in school, at work. Some part of me was trying to uphold that image, while the other half of me was rebelling against it with every fiber of my being. A difficult balance, to say the least.

That went on for a couple of years. I became desperately heartsick for my Jesus, but I didn't know how to get back to Him. I started reading the bible again, and attempting closeness with Him. I tried to make rules and regulations for myself around drinking and going out, because I still spent all my time with people who lived that lifestyle. The rules did not hold up. I still felt unsatisfied and disconnected. I felt it was important to get away. Far away. I wanted to seek the Lord alone, with no distractions, somewhere I could start fresh. So I moved to Portland.

Things went well in Portland. The distance was good. Seminary school certainly helped. Plus church, bible study, and Christian friends. All good things. Things I needed. And I grew a lot. I fell back in love with my Savior. But sadly, something was still missing.

I'm going to leave you there, and finish the story soon, but let me assure you, there is a happy ending. I found what was missing. Stay tuned.

*If you're just tuning in, you don't have to wait! The next part of the story is here.

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Haiti: The Heartbreak

I thought I had prepared myself for the things I would see and feel in Haiti. But, as it turns out, no amount of preparation could have kept me from the shock and heartbreak of seeing the conditions there. The trip was amazing, but I want to share it in the same way I experienced it - and it started by breaking my heart.

The very first thing I experienced in Haiti was the heat - the thick, heavy, humid heat that threatens to swallow you whole. The kind of heat that causes sweat to jump out of your pores as if escaping a burning building the moment you step outside. Not what this California girl is used to. I made it through the cattle call better known as airport customs, which was located in what looked like a giant barn (except made out of cement) filled with people and bags, the aforementioned heat, and maybe two fans. Our team drove from the airport to our lodging location in a very small, brightly painted bus with hard wooden benches inside. I was lucky to have a window seat for ventilation and a better view. I will reiterate, though, that I was not prepared for the scenery that we were about to encounter on our ride.

The first sight that was incredible was the sheer number of people in the city. I have spent time in a number of large cities, but I've never seen so many people in one place. There are 3 million people in Port Au Prince, and you can sure feel that when you are there. Some are sitting, some walking to and fro, and there were many crowds just standing there, facing the street as cars went by, as if they were waiting for a bus, although I'm pretty sure they weren't. There were tent cities everywhere, crowded together and going on for miles, homes for the lucky ones who have any roof at all.

Everywhere I looked there was a pile of rubble, or a vacated builing with a giant crack across it, or a chunk missing from its walls. The horrific thought did cross my mind that there are undoubtedly bodies under many of those buildings, that the people have not had the time or resources to uncover.

Even the palace, where the president lived, looked like a set from a movie about the end of the world. I can't imagine seeing our White House in such a condition.

As we continued through the city, I saw people washing themselves in the street with a bottle of water and a bar of soap. There were skinny dogs running around everywhere, looking for scraps. There were also goats, chickens and pigs wandering about, that didn't appear to belong to anyone in particular.

In some areas, the stench of waste and sewage was overwhelming. In others, I smelled fires burning, which were not for warmth or cooking, but for getting rid of garbage. There were piles of trash and all forms of waste everywhere. In the center of the city there is a huge area filled with plastic bottles, where it is burned, regularly filling the air with fumes and toxins. The surprising truth is that, with the exception of the rubble and building damage, Haiti was like this before the earthquake. It is the poorest country in the Western hemisphere.

Other times, I would only smell the exhaust fumes from the many cars that seemed to all be in competition with each other on the broken road. In many places, the road was only one or two lanes, and getting through seemed to be a battle of wills among the drivers.

In contrast to all the devastating sights was the most beautiful tangerine sunset. A reminder of God's grace, and His beautiful creation, amidst the mess (figurative and literal mess) that man has made.

Once the sun had set though, dark clouds filled the sky and droplets began to fall. As the rain and the night descended, the enviornment appeared even more dire. Even though the rain was a welcome break from the intense heat, many would not have shelter from it, and most who did have shelter had only a tent.

Night is the time when we go safely to the warmth and security of our homes, but these people do not have that luxury. Many gathered under tarps and prepared food to share. Mothers did what they could to shield their babies from the storm. But it remained a scene of chaos. After only minutes of rain, some parts of the road began to flood. It left me wondering what on earth will happen when monsoon season hits. It's just around the corner.

Instead of names and gang signs tagged in graffiti on the walls, there were prayers and pleas; "Help Us."

We made it to our lodging location, a large school building where around 1,000 children used to study, until the earthquake. The building was unaffected by the disaster, but the children were not. They now study outside, because they are terrified to sit in a building all day, which as far as they know, could come toppling down at any moment. If over 200,000 people disappeared from my city in a day, I certainly wouldn't recover quickly.

We headed to bed that night in sober state. Still excited for what was to come, but with heavy hearts from what we had already seen. I will never forget that day as long as I live. Don't worry though, things got much more hopeful as the week progressed.

Here's the rest of the Haiti journey:

The Joy

The Work

The Hope

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Memory Lane

My Blog-iversary is coming up, on August 19th. 2 years! But, I'll be in Haiti helping the earthquake victims, and therefore not able to have a virtual party. (Incidentally, the raffles for that cause are still open, please see here to help out and enter to win big!) So... in celebration of my 2 years of blogging, I'm now going to reminisce on some of my favorite moments in my blogging history. (It conveniently intercedes with an assignment from 31 DBBB.) Join me?

I started blogging because I moved from California to Oregon and wanted to keep my friends and family updated on my life. Recently, due to some human and divine inspiration, my blog has taken a different direction.

In the early blogging days, though, I wrote about such things as my battle with the dryer in my new apartment, my first snowy winter, and my dependence on technology. I also shared a lot of the details of life in a new city, which aren't all that exciting to read two years later.

I did start writing a bit about my faith that year... what it taught me about acceptance and rejection, the extravagance of God's love, as well as His sense of humor. Those posts were the most meaningful to me, and they are part of how I discovered this blogging stuff was much more than I originally thought.

More recently, I haven't ceased to include fun and silly posts. I've blogged about my trip to Spain last summer, my best friend, and the qualities I look for in a man. I've also told my readers about some of my favorite places, some of my thoughts on vulnerability, and 10 of my secrets to working with troubled teens.

I've also been sharing about my faith journey in a series called Story of My Life, starting with my roots, then my salvation story, and a bit about answered prayer.

Blogging has been a journey, and I can't wait to see what the future holds. Just looking back through my posts for the purpose of writing this one was a lot of fun. It changes as much as I do, if not more, but it also keeps record of all the lessons I learn along the way. Happy early Blogiversary to me. :)



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Story Of My Life: Answered Prayer

I left a piece out of my salvation story. I mentioned that I found hope in the Delta river, where a bunch of awkward teenagers revealed Jesus to me. What I didn't mention is that nothing actually happened on the houseboat trip. Well, things happened - swimming, mud fights, skits and singing, banana boating, all the good stuff. But no enormous, spiritual transformation occured in my life while I was there. As with everything else in my life, I took it all in, but I needed time to process it. When I returned home, I surveyed the situation. I knew that I was about to leap into something that could bring me unspeakable joy, but it would also bring radical change. And I hate change. I suffer from neophobia, (fear of new things) and I was freaked out. So I prayed, "Lord, I want to live for you. I want hope, and peace, and joy. But I can not do this alone. I need you to show me somehow that I can do this. I need some sign from you that I won't be alone. And then I'm all in. Amen." Yeah, looking back it seems selfish and ridiculous. But God saw me as a heart seeking after Him and being honest about my shortcomings. And He answered my prayer. The next day, one of my closest friends (circa preschool) who had never really claimed any faith, but had been with me on the houseboat trip, called me. She said, matter-of-factly, "I decided to give my life to Jesus. Just thought you should know." That was my amazing, miraculous sign. I think the reason that I left it out of the story is that my precious friend is no longer walking with Jesus. But that doesn't change the fact that she was part of my story. God answered my prayer. And for one glorious summer we worshipped, prayed, and read the bible together. And by the time she walked away from her faith, I was strong enough in mine to do it on my own. And her story is not over.

My story continues with Bumps In The Road and Freedom.



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Story of My Life: Roots

Previous Entries in the Story of my Life Series: Salvation

As I mentioned before, I was raised in the Catholic Church.
Before I say more, I want my parents to know that I am absolutely, 100% grateful for my upbringing. Their dedication to their faith, their marriage and our family made me who I am today. Words can't express how much I appreciate being raised in a safe, loving home (especially working with girls who didn't.)

With that said, my experience of faith growing up was that it was: a basic belief system, a label, and a safety net.

Everyone has a basic belief system, right? Humans are descended from monkeys.... The world appeared from nothing with a bang... Everyone is connected... The energy we send out is the energy we get back... How we live life now will affect who we are in the next life... etc. etc. Of course there are people who are unsure about where we came fromn or where we are going, but they still have a belief system. They believe in kindness or selfishness, in community or anarchy... there is something that drives their actions. Growing up, I knew what I believed. God created earth and mankind. Man was sinful, so God sent His son to die so that our sins could be forgiven. We don't have to be perfect, but we should strive to be loving and kind. These beliefs gain us a place in heaven.*

In addition to knowing my basic beliefs, I had a label. "Catholic" was a part of who I was in the same way that "White" or "Irish" or "American" or "student" were. Sometimes those labels were/are important, sometimes not. It was just a part of how I defined myself.

Lastly, my faith was a safety net. Outside of church on Sundays and saying grace before meals, prayer was for asking for God's help. Help for people I knew who were sick or injured, dying or grieving a loss, taking an important test or interview, doing something dangerous or traveling.

My faith, in sum, was a belief/understanding of where I came from, where I was headed, and how I should act. It was a part of how I defined myself, and it was something I turned to when I or someone I knew needed something. Faith is still all of those things for me. But it's so much more.

The Story Of My Life continues with Answered Prayer, Bumps In The Road and Freedom.

*This was my understanding of faith at a young age. If you would like to know the full extent of Christian beliefs, visit your friendly neighborhood church. :) Or feel free to contact me.

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Story of My Life: Salvation

I have believed in God as long as I can remember. Although raised in the (Catholic) Church, during my childhood and adolescence I experienced God more outside the church than in. I heard Him in the sound of children's laughter, felt Him in the warm, summer breeze against my shoulders, saw Him in the kindness of strangers, and felt His love demonstrated in the beauty and faithfulness of the sunrise. Despite my confidence in His existence, the world beckoned, and I sought excitement and satisfaction elsewhere - if you haven't yet been or can't remember being a teenager, consult a teen flick and you'll know what I mean. (Don't let your imaginations run too wild - I was still a pretty good girl.) My freshman year in high school, tragedy struck and my world changed. Two very close friends of my family passed away, both unthinkably young, and in completely separate but equally tragic circumstances. Suddenly going to dances, cruising the mall, and talking about boys was not quite cutting it. Life was short, cruel, and unfair from my new perspective, and what was the point of it all, really? After about a year of seeking various ways to ignore, suppress, numb, deflect or deny my painful emotions, I found hope. By some completely non-coincidental series of events that seemed random at the time, I ended up going on a houseboat trip with a church that I had casually (mainly socially) attended in junior high. I saw people who were joyful, peaceful, and genuine. People who had hope, and were not just living for the moment, but for eternity. I saw Jesus in them. I recognized the voice that had been whispering my name throughout my life, but now that voice was calling out, "Come to me! Rest in me. I have what you need." And I went to Him. And in Him I found abounding hope, limitless joy, profound peace, and unconditional, crazy love. Nothing has ever been the same. Thank God for that.



More of the Story of My Life in Roots, Answered Prayer, Bumps In The Road, and Freedom.



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Happy Easter

This post is a little belated, because I had a very busy Easter. It was amazing to get to go to church and see my whole family, instead of working all day. Despite the rain, it was a beautiful day!

Jesus' Tomb:

The Door To The Tomb:

The writing says, He Is Not Here - He Is Risen!

Hope everyone had a blessed Easter!

Good Friday

He was oppressed and He was afflicted, Yet He opened not His mouth; He was led as a lamb to the slaughter; And as a sheep before its shearers is silent, So He opened not His mouth.

Isaiah 53:7

Then Jesus said, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do."

Then the sun was darkened, and the veil of the temple was torn in two. And when Jesus had cried out with a loud voice, He said, "Father into Your hands I commit my spirit." Having said this, He breathed His last.

Luke 23: 34, 45-46

But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, And by His stripes we are healed.

Isaiah 53:5

My feet on the ground where Jesus was beaten.

Golgatha, where Jesus was crucified:

Holy Thursday

"Father, if it is your will, take this cup away from me; nevertheless not my will but yours be done."

Luke 22:42



Me, in the Garden of Gethsemane, where Jesus spoke these words the night before He died.

Words of Encouragement

Today my sweet co-worker, Martina, who does not have a relationship with Jesus (yet) or associate with any religion, said to me, "You're a great example to me of a Christian person. You mean what you say and your actions are in line with your words."

Best. Compliment. Ever.

Multitude Monday: A Thousand Gifts

Ann at A Holy Experience has inspired me to begin counting gifts/blessings, and see how long it takes me to get to 1,000. Passion week seems like a great time to start. I have a feeling that counting my blessings will change my outlook and attitude... I'll let you know. ;) I will be posting the highlights on (some) Mondays, but the full list is here if anyone is interested. Click the link above if you would like to join the gratitude community.

I am grateful for...

1. Spring







2. Getting out of the house early enough to see the sunrise





3. My adorable co-worker, Martina 4. Patience

5. Teamwork
6. Learning something new every day
7. A few extra hours of free time
8. Comic relief
9. Rare motivation to be productive
10. Finishing my taxes!
11. Encouragement
12. The blogging community
13. Squirrels









14. The in-between weather
15. A week of reflecting on and celebrating Jesus' sacrifice
16. Rain
17. Coffee
18. Compliments
19. God working through me
20. Heart-to-hearts
21. Getting paid to do fun activities (some days)
22. Lions, Tigers, and Bears Oh My! (as seen at Wild Things in Salinas, CA)

23. High fives
24. Hope for the future
25. Good timing (ex: finding my parents' dog in the street on the way home from work)
26. Music
27. The Couch

28. Unexpected surprises (ex: getting most of Easter off!)
29. Phone calls from friends
30. Having something to look forward to (A day of fun on Easter)
31. The beautiful full moon still available for my viewing pleasure at 6:30 a.m.
32. All varieties of personalities - they keep life interesting
33. Never having been arrested
34. The fact that my skin is mouch tougher than it used to be (figuratively)
35. Getting to go to the movies for work
36. The occasional good cry
37. Hugs

38. Naps
39. Sweet friends
40. My "Friday" (which is usually on a Tuesday)
41. Sleeping in
42. Snuggles with my pups
43. Mindless television
44. Catching up with my best friend, Arletta:

45. New life! (Welcome Tyce Jeffrey Thompson!)
46. A stable family
47. Days off
48. Antibiotics (modern medicine in general)
49. Health insurance
50. The free time that singleness affords me
51. Jesus' death on the cross
52. My salvation
53. Learning some more patience
54. Cake

55. Fun in the kitchen
56. Quitting time (3 pm)
57. Church
58. My hair
59. Seeing old friends
60. Learning flexibility
61. Getting dressed up
62. Seeing some of my SLO girls:

63. Krissy 64. Brittany 65. Camille

66. Mollie! (Home from Wisconsin)

67. Friends who are as sarcastic as I am (maybe even moreso...)
68. Catching up
69. Bridal Showers
70. Story telling
71. Learning new things about old friends
72. Philosophical debates (oddly started by the question, "what's your favorite color?")
73. Wedding season (in life in general)
74. A new engagement - congratulations to my sweet friend Jenn and her fiance Kenny!

75. Feeling like I had a vacation in one day
76. Jesus' resurrection!
77. A short day at work
78. Baby steps (a mumbled "good morning" instead of being yelled at when I woke one of the girls)
79. Going to church on a Sunday morning!
80. Worshipping with a huge room full of believers
81. Tears of joy
82. Feeling God's prescence
83. Getting to spend the afternoon with my WHOLE family
84. Four nieces and nephews that I adore

85. Hearing a profound worship song out of a 3 year old's mouth (Bennett)
86. My 5 year old nephew Tommy, who knows the names of ACDC songs
87. Watching my niece Ally (10 yrs.) jump rope in the rain
88. The scrunched-nose smiles and mischevious giggles from Elodie (age 1)
89. A shard, home cooked, delicious meal
90. The best Easter I've had in a very long time!
91. The peace and quiet in the morning when the girls (my clients) are asleep
92. April showers that bring May flowers

93. A sweet excited face when I woke up one of the girls and offered to take her to the movies
94. Shared interests
95. Singing in the car
96. A mellow afternoon
97. Rejuvinating hot showers
98. My spaz-tastic dogs
99. A nice dinner out
100. Getting to visit with (another!) old friend, Ginger

101. Waking up to the sound of birds chirping
102. A steady job/paycheck
103. The first day back to school after Spring break - refreshed children!
104. Board games
105. Sunshine
106. Sleep
107. My car
108. Getting some quality time with my sister Kelly

109. Curiosity
110. Imagination
111. The stumbling toddle of a new walker
112. Beautiful weather
113. Natural bodies of water
114. Ducks and geese
115. Walks
116. The smell of a barbeque
117. American Idol
118. Smiles
119. Shared experiences
120. The smell of sunscreen
121. Fits of giggles
122. Free Coffee
123. GPS systems (I don't have one, but they're just cool)
124. The wonder of childhood
125. Slides
126. Movies
127. Shopping
127. A new dress!
128. Great deals
129. Getting to visit with my good friend Kimi

130. French fries
131. My i-pod
132. Time to myself
133. Living in a breathtakingly beautiful place
134. Green, rolling hills
135. Lupin
136. Already having had my wisdom teeth taken out
137. Reminders to be thankful
138. Free meals at work
139. The meadow
140. Quiet times
141. God's Word
142. My snuggle bug (a.k.a. Penny)

143. My sugar booger (a.k.a. Rocky) 144. Healthy pups!

145. Freedom
146. Worship time in the car
147. Clouds
148. The Holy Spirit
149. Quiet mornings
150. Really easy days at work
151. God's provision
152. Future events to be excited about
153. Ambition
154. Humility
155. Rest
156. Getting to chat with a girl in juvenile hall
157. Developing relationships
158. Singing
159. Driving
160. Animals
161. Pajamas
162. Change
163. Reunions
164. Prayer
165. Building trust
166. Wildflowers
167. Oak trees
168. Country music
169. Time to sit outside and enjoy
170. Getting to visit with Leah
171. Inspiration
172. Amazing women of the bible
173. Amazing women in the church
174. Great authors
175. Words of wisdom
176. Learning new things
177. An excellent dinner made by yours truly
178. Feeling like a grown up
179. Feeling like a kid
180. Technology
181. The human brain
182. The difference between men and women
183. Book stores
184. Meatballs (especially pesto ones)
185. Jeapordy
186. Wheel of Fortune
187. Exploring
188. Jasmine flowers
189. Golden retrievers
190. Labrador retrievers
191. Pain relievers
192. Independence
193. Competence
194. Walks
195. Freedom
196. Diversity
197. Closure
198. Moving on
199. Cake
200. Support systems
201. Agape love
202. Thoughtful words
203. Community
204. Visiting new places
205. Live music
206. Art
207. Pay-offs
208. Driving
209. Church
210. Worship
211. Bright colors
212. Seeing beauty everywhere
213. Eye candy
214. Learning experiences
215. Common ground

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